I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
