I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
