I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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