he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
