I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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