I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
