i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Randomize
