you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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