I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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