Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
