I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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