i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
