These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize