We won't sleep together?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
