I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
