i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
