i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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