If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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