Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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