ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
