Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Randomize
