So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
