nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
