I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize