Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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