If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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