why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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