The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
The Olympian is in my bed
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He did a backflip because drugs
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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