What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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