i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
