my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
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