you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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