her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
