you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
