i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize