Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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