my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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