Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
