remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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