My Higher Power is John Stamos
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
