I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize