i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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