When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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