You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
