Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
