so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
