Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
