just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
