I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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