it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
