I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize
