ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
