never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
