How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
