I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm too high and old for this...
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
