How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Randomize
