i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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