my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
