And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
