I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize