i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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