how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
