dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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